Easter has come and gone this week and I had a lovely Easter break spending quality time with my family and ate a lot of chocolate. Easter, to me, is this, time spent with my family when we can all come together and hopefully get a few precious days off work to spend together. Although I have been brought up as a Christian, I class myself as having no religion at this point in my life. I went to church with my dad on Good Friday- if you ever want a Christian to admire- he is one to admire as he had his fair share of hard times yet is still a firm believer and I admire his faith although completely fail to share it. However, I tend to think of religion like I think of sexuality- it is not a choice, you either do believe in something or you don’t. You either have the faith in an intangible being or you don’t and for me, I am pretty sure that I don’t. I love the idea of believing in something so strongly but I just can’t.
Dad wanted me to go I guess because he wants me to believe in God and Jesus and share his faith. I obliged to make him happy and to share in something he likes as well. He has spent a good 20 years of his life sharing in mine but I also wanted to spend time with him. Now I am away at university, I don’t get to spend nearly as much time with my family as I would like.
During the service, the speaker kept talking about how amazing it was for God/Jesus to do something so selfless and to die for our sins which I mean, yeah is pretty incredible. However as I get older, I realise that the mistakes or sins I make are mine and while others may be able to help rectify what I have done, I ultimately will pay the consequence. And the truth is, I think I am ok with that. I don’t want Jesus to take blame for my ‘sins’- I mean obviously I sin, but truthfully, I don’t believe that all of the things noted in the bible are sins. I will never have an issue with homosexuality, sex before marriage or people getting drunk or high. Throughout the service all I thought was, I am usually quite aware of any consequences of my actions therefore I want to take blame for them all whether that means eternity in Hell or not because I want to really live my life. I feel that as long as I know that I have lived a good life now, that will be enough for my soul forever. We are unsure, no matter how solid our faith, there is no proof of what happens to us once we die and so I would like to make this life as meaningful and as outrageous and fun as possible because then at least I have done it once. I have properly lived for me, not for anyone else. I want to know that I have felt really alive during my time on this Earth and I am extremely fortunate to say that I have already had that feeling in several moments of my life where I feel grateful to be alive but it is more than that, a feeling of true elation, like life can’t get any better. (Yes I have been sober while it’s happened too.) You can die for someone (of course, I’d die for my dad if it came to that) but you can’t live your life for someone else just because it makes them happy even if you are choosing to make them happy then you are still living the way you want.
I figure that’s what these religions feel when they worship but I have found that in myself and that seems enough. However, if I do think about becoming religous once I have lived life my way and figured that there may be a better way once I’ve had my time. Religous people often come out with things such as how do you know you’re living right if you haven’t tried God’s way but equally if you haven’t tried to live by yourself, how can you be so convinced that God’s way is the right way? So maybe, once I’ve lived my way for a while and I decide to give religion another go, I feel that I should become knowledgeable about them all before making a decision about which one to follow particularly as we are so so lucky to live in a country that lets us be any religion we want without scarificing our life for it.
I have huge respect for everyone religous, agnostic or atheist and find them all equally interesting however this is my current stance on it.