I set myself on fire wanted to burn myself to ashes but you wouldn’t let me. You came in trying to extinguish my flames first water, next foam then gas but nothing was quite enough. Nothing could stop the burning emptiness inside, a hollow chest, a heart that was only beating. I yearned to feel the burning so I filled myself with toxic substances and managed to feel it only on water with a crowd of support around me. Scarred from a numbness where the world was grey, no black, no white, no colour. The gas and the water and foam just detached the flames further away from anything I had ever known. No joy no pain no sadness just a heart beating but not feeling just a brain begging to feel something other than numb. Tears spilt for no reason other than it was all I wanted to do. In the process of trying to burn myself so I could finally feel, I burnt you too, I only singed myself but I wanted to set myself alight to feel alive again and that my heart was beating for a reason. I never meant to burnt you, you was supposed to come out me with water and then extinguish but you never did.

dancing with the angels

I am so jealous, gorgeous girl as I watch all these people dressed divinely walk through those same doors that we did after months of deciphering on ASOS. I see them come in and witness the committee heads being bossy about the decorations, I hope I was never that bad! I witness them take their pink drinks and think of how much you enjoyed those, the image of you swirling around this very dance floor with one in your hand in that beautiful gown that suited you so well. No wonder you liked bubbly so much, it encompasses everything that you were. I make sure to tell the girls they look pretty and compliment their dresses and watch them go and touch up their make up as they ask me to capture these moments with a flash. I remember you reassured me I had done a good job covering my black eye with layers of concealer and foundation. As I sweep glass from this dance floor, I remember advising you to keep your shoes on that night, the evening it felt like we took over this hotel. We took shots using our drinks vouchers at this bar I now stand behind and envy them knocking them back now knowing I won’t get to do it with you for a long time. If I close my eyes hard enough, I can See us spinning around the dance floor singing our lungs out to Whitney but as soon as I open them, you disappear and the shimmer you brought to my life is just reflected in the broken glass I clean up from the floor.

Anyway, I’m sure you’re looking as beautiful as ever wearing a dress to match the sparkle in your eyes and spilling your kindness everywhere as an angel somewhere now.

Rest well darling girl xxx

Diving in to slumber

Head first in to the pillow,

Limbs stretched across fresh linen,

My body carressed by the comfort of a duvet,

Inhaling the meadow scent of the washing powder,

Eyes embracing closure, jaw stretching and a sharp breath drawn,

The conscious resting while the sub concious invests its imagination.

Foreign infatuation

We found each other in a stranger’s land. Exploring rivers, mountains and each other. Finding something familiar within each other, even though our tongues were foreign. An infatuation limited in days from the start relying on nothing more than chance. Happy in the safety of our hearts, the rum hit us and we went to dance. Agreeing to meet on the next sunny day, margaritas, fajitas and the waves. Pretending we were as legitimate as any other couple, as if we didn’t have a time restraint. An instant attraction, we had to have all of each other there and then, not wasting a second or worrying about tomorrow. Stopping to admire the evening’s sunset and the night’s fireworks. And although that time belonged to us, it was never a forever but a time well invested in each other.

Love is

Love is patient, love is kind until you mix it with the complexity of the human mind.

Loves does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth yet it may not be enough to keep those human tongues from becoming loose.

 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres but human are rivalled by their own insecurities, so they question love, humans by design are pessimists so they give up.

 Love never fails but a human does. Repeatedly. They let it scar them, scare them and stab them and then use it as a justification not to open themselves up to it completely ever again. 

Love does not envy nor distrust but paranoia is a disease of the human condition.

Love is pure, love is simple until it meets the components of a flawed being.