Birthday

It’s your birthday today. 52. That’s how many candles you would be blowing out but he has to do it without you now. The first time ever and he won’t get to speak to you on the 14th April, a day you both shared together in some way for your entire lives. The anniversary of when you both entered this crazy planet, you first of course. Always did have to be the first, didn’t you? 

We all feel a little lost without you and I have missed you more than ever over the past few months, I want to talk to you about my job and the situation before. I miss you so much, it still hurts six months later. I  still tear up when I hear that song by ELO and it’s crazy because it’s one of the most upbeat songs. 

 You enriched my life and so I would have loved to show you that on today of all days. But you’ve gone hopefully to a better place, and I know it did it just after you left but I’m going to do the poem thing again. 

Please know that you’ve been in my thoughts all day and I hope you are spending it with the others who have left and who love and adore you wandering around blissful scenery. 

I’ll look after him and the rest for you, I promise. This day will never be the same for him and he doesn’t know how to feel. But we’ll toast you with a glass of red or scotch and I’ll wear some outfit that you can question or laugh at from up there. Yet your favourite shirt was yellow… and that is not a colour for everyone despite what Vogue is currently telling everyone.

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PAUSE

I’ve not written for a little while because I’ve felt I needed a break mainly for three reasons 

  1. Because my inspiration was running a little dry and I wanted to spend some time reading in order to improve my own work 
  2. Because I have been focusing on short stories and a basis for a couple of novels
  3. Because someone wasn’t too happy with what I had been writing, I normally never usually write about people I know at the time but with this one, I just wanted to let out and I never thought that person would actually read them. I have now deleted all the posts about solely them now because I never want to hurt anyone with my writing, my pen is not a weapon and I do not wish to use it that way. There is just one left about that situation because it is the one thing that hurt and offended me the most and I stand by that post and those actions being something that I would never ever do and although I can just about forgive those accusations and be friends with that person now, I still feel the message is important.

 I have returned home and feel a little inspired again, and some things have touched me more than I anticipated. We write because we have something to say, that’s what makes a writer, we feel a compulsion to say something with a pen so I’m going to continue to do that. 
Writing is what I’ve done since I learnt how to, it’s what I’ve always chosen to do given the option and I was so scared about showing it to anyone but with the encouragement of a few friends, I decided to start this blog and an Instagram for writing and the response form people I don’t know and my own friends has been great so I’ll definitely continue posting and should be back on the blogging bandwagon asap! 

Shoutout to my ex: Radar

I like the way you still keep one eye on me as we circle this room, we still never quite lose track of each other while in the same vicinity.

You would still jump to my defence if I needed it, you still hate that I talk to him, that he’s a close friend,

But we were only ever picture perfect, we are kept enclosed in that keyring at the bottom of a drawer somewhere and now you’re happy with her because she suits you better,

So now we admire each other’s beauty from a healthy distance

Thankful for the time we got together and everything we learnt from each other,

Still intrigued by your part of the world and I still want to go someday,

I still read articles you share and attempt to understand there even if you aren’t here to explain them,

Sometimes I catch a competition on television and I leave the channel on for little longer before I flick through,

I remember you getting excited over the olympics and us celebrating the victory of our teams in excited chatter.

We no longer share a bed but I still enjoy that across a room full of people, my eyes occassionally find you knowing we are still on each other’s radar.

I wish you the best and still respect everything you are.

 

Before you 

And before you my life was silly:

Drunkness and dance floors,

Boys in the wrong beds,

Joking with the jesters

But you brought a stillness

With you I didn’t want to live it at 100 miles an hour, I wanted to live the moments as they came to us over and over

Kissing in the street at the midnight hour

Clinging on to you in the covers

Finding a focus with you

It was all so silly with them

But you were different, serious and I liked it

I was real and raw, intense and fun and interested

At least that’s what I thought you were…

I’l never regret it though

Those moments were worth the current awkward silences

And our intimate stares were worth the eye contact which I now can’t read 

Your hand in mine was worth the new loneliness on the way home

Breathing you in was worth now being haunted by others wearing your scent

You turned out not to be the best but that’s ok,  they say all good things must come to an end

The world is not black and white

My Uncle Malcolm died yesterday morning and I wrote a poem similar to this which I shared with him. I’ve now written another version of it to share.

We always shared the view that the world was not black and white and I wanted to reflect that here. He provided me with countless debates over everything from politics to language and everything inbetween and the last time I saw him, ‘ the world isn’t black and white’ is a phrase he uttered which made it kind of perfect. This poem isn’t 100% edited or finished yet I don’t think but I’m sure more will be added in the next few days.

 

The world isn’t black and white,

It wasn’t when you were here and it’s not now,

Greyer maybe knowing that you wont be here to paint it,

But your colours shine through in the world you’ve left behind,

As memories, as advice, as the Matthews nose, as an inspiration

We both knew the grey days all too well and without you to share them with,

they’ll be even darker but your words will make it technicolour once again

The world isn’t black and white, we like it that way,

we always found the reds and yellows and blues somehow

using it to fuel our outlooks and opinions,

yours always so thought provoking and stubborn

and your intelligence ever inspiring.

Cameras and camcorders capturing the kaliedoscope of life

commemorating days gone by that will never lapse.

Love Always Uncle Malcolm xxx

Hearts are heavy

I never knew heartbreak was an actual thing. Not a physical thing anyway. I thought it was something people just said but over the past week, I have felt it. A pain in my chest. Real pain and a heavy heart. My uncle is dying. My uncle. My dad’s twin brother. My cousin’s dad. The man my Auntie has loved since she was 20. I feel like my heart has been stabbed and I’m not being dramatic. Maybe I’m lucky to never have felt heartbreak before considering I am 23 but it just hurts so much. Suddenly all those love songs and poems about heartbreak don’t seem so stupid and I finally get how much it hurts. 
My uncle has cancer in more than one place. He only got diagnosed at the start of 2016 and before that, he was active and lively and careful about what he ate. He used to do swim marathons and loved rambling in the countryside. Over the past week, we have learnt that he only has a few weeks at the most when we thought he had years. 

Last Saturday, my parents and I went to visit him. He was exactly how I had imagined him to look from what I had been told: slightly yellow, extremely skinny and visibly exhausted from the fight against this horrendous disease. Yet still, I was shocked by what I saw, somebody that I had always looked up to literally was now small and hard to hear. He no longer looked like somebody I knew. I don’t think you ever imagine your loved ones as anything ever than how you see them because why would you? 

That was by far the worst day of my life so far. I watched my dad cry and my heart broke even more. My dad had tears falling from his eyes and down his cheeks and wasn’t breathing like normal. I have never seen my dad cry before, I had never even thought that it could happen. Dad doesn’t cry. Daddy doesn’t cry. But he did. Of course my mum cried too and so did I. My uncle, the one who used to do loads of swimming and walking and used to be extremely fit not only

Struggled to

Sit up in a chair but couldn’t open a bottle of water. This stunned me. I can’t believe that somebody so strong and somebody I can remember when I was younger to open things suddenly couldn’t. I couldn’t believe that someone who was once strong had had it taken away almost suddenly. I feel utterly powerless, I always like to go in to situations and think I can fix them or make them

Better but this I can’t. I can’t change the fact this terminal disease wil kill my uncle. I can’t change the fact that this will in turn upset my dad or that my

Cousins will lose

Their father. And that almost makes me feel

Hopeless. But after thinking, I have realised I could in this situation wonder what the point of life is of a disease can just come and take it just like that. Or

I can use it to

Push me forward, to make myself the best version of me I can be. I can use it to realise our time here may be too short so we have to do our best to make the world a better place and be the best we can. I won’t be a speechwriter changing the world with my words for a few years yet but I can set plans for the future and actually make them happen. I can try and be the best daughter, sister, niece and cousin.

I’m going to use this to become powerful at something. To be better. 

We don’t have forever but I’m

Going to make sure nothing is left unsaid. I’m going to use this powerless feeling and make sure that I put my power in to something I have got and can do. 

Success!

we-are-presentation

This week I have conquered one of my biggest fears and it has been one hell of a week with three job interviews as well as starting a new job and balancing my current jobs. I am pretty proud of myself for this week and that is not something that I say often so it must have been an exciting week!

I don’t talk about my anxiety/ panic attacks much because well, I hate them. They make me feel weak and I hate that they can occur anywhere and make me feel like I’m outside of my own body. They can occur anywhere (home, work, uni, gym, on the river, in my sleep, these last two are by far the worst) and although I have made incredible progress from where I was two and a half years ago when I barely left my bed and wouldn’t even ask for a coffee in Starbucks, there are still some things that I hate.

While I was at uni, they were pretty understanding and let me get out of a few things to make it easier for me which was great, however it meant that I never had to face some of my greatest fears. In one of my job interviews this week, I had to face one of those fears which was giving a presentation. Even a year ago, that would have sent me running and I would have declined the invite to a second interview however now I’m doing this adulting lark, I decided I would have to do it. Besides, this was something I really wanted.

The brief was to create a presentation about what I would do if a handbag company came to me asking about a website, what questions would I ask them, how would I get all the teams to progress with the project etc. Given the fact I can’t remember the last time I gave a presentation without it ending in a panic attack, this was extremely scary and I had to present it to three people from the company I was interviewing with. Even walking to the interview, part of me wanted to run away from it completely. It got even worse as I was sat in the interview room nervously waiting for everyone else to take their seats. My heart was beating so fast but somehow I actually remembered that I needed to keep breathing and not do that stupid thing where I take a deep breath and hold it in when I get scared.

Anyway, somehow I managed to get through the presentation with a few minor stutters over words and answer their questions relatively confidently. This was such a relief. As I left the office, I wanted to just run with excitement as I could barely believe what I had accomplished. It felt like when I’m in a kayak and I go down a rapid I’m terrified of but somehow manage to come down it still in my boat. My heart was racing, I was still breathing almost normally, I wasn’t even shaking. A presentation may not sound like a big deal but it was for me. Massive. My best friend also told me how proud he was of me which meant so much (forever trying to make people proud).

 

I am so happy that I went for it and pushed myself, I didn’t even really tell anybody who knows what a big deal it would be to do about it before I went so nobody even had to talk me in to it. I made the decision to go myself. I did it myself. I found out that presentations are no longer a limit and I am so pleased with myself for that. It has even inspired me to get back to the gym and pray I don’t get any panic attacks but I’ve also gotten a personal trainer just to keep my motivation up and teach me to keep breathing normally and help me deal with my muscle problems because exercise can be quite dangerous if you don’t breathe properly!

 

Hope you have had a successful week too and that you have also conquered some demons!

Stay strong especially to my panic disorder fighters out there!