Pounce

He was waiting for me,

On a warm night, little did I know as I hit the flush,

That once I unlocked that door,

He would pounce like a panther,

Push me in to the cubicle, bash my head against the wall,

I thought I’d scream, but no sound came,

He stole more than just my body,

My senses were temporarily misplaced too,

All I felt was pain, that accent still terrifies me to the core now,

But it was never really over, it continued in my head,

But back with my friends, it was as if nothing abnormal had happened at all,

As if I had just been to touch up my make up,

Pushing back the pain and covering up my bruises with my dress,

Blaming my wet eyes on the smoke around us,

Yet I could still feel his stare from across the room,

Running was not an option here,

I could not bring myself to ruin the night for my friends,

Nor the life of his operation bound son, nor bare the grief of my parents’ worst fears coming true,

But I am still in ruins over whether he did it to anyone else and that guilt will always consume me,

For he did what his society had taught him and used me as an object that he felt he had the right to despite my protestations

So I tried to stay away but somehow he always came my way,

So I placed my feet on to another solid land,

And he is still there digging in the sand,

I found freedom and I refuse to let the fear of what him or another could do let me live only in the light of day.

Saturday Morning

Waking up, me chirpy and annoying and you groggy pulling me in to you so close I could barely breathe,

I’d make one of my silly faces or something to make you laugh and ease you in to the day,

Pulling  my pyjamas on, I’d get up and put on a pot of coffee,

Then I’d make either pancakes or bacon eggs, it was the days before Avo on sourdough, you’d come and cheekily slap my bum and ‘help’ me finish breakfast

The best days were when there would be a 12 pm kick off and we’d stay pyjama clad to watch North London’s finest game on your 50 inch screen.

My legs over yours, skin on skin, cold bottle of lager in our hands. Still dressed in my pyjama t- shirt and shorts, placing bets over the score, the loser would buy tonight’s dinner and the winner would decide where.

We’d play fight over the remote at half time and argue over what to catch 15 minutes of, normally we’d settle on Hollyoaks repeats.

I’d pray our team would win so you’d be in a good mood, I’d check the score even when you’d gone to a game to decipher whether or not you’d need cheering up,

We’d go for dinner in the evening, you were a chef but adored Nando’s, occassionally if you were up early on Sunday, it would be a takeaway in front of the TV and now I kinda miss those days, where I could wake up with someone on weekends.

 

Shadow Definition

And not so long ago, I was a shadow, full on the inside, within myself yet I hid my definition behind the sun’s ray. It made me doubt every thought, every word, the light shining on me made me want to run feeling awkward and unsure, the heat gave me red cheeks and sweaty palms. Gradually, I realised life should be lived in the light, the heat made me shed my layers and I catapulted out of the darkness turning my shadow in to a reflection of the girl I had always known.

Stoplights

This one is for my Daddy who picked me up after every shift and every social gathering if he could always, who moves me from house to house in Sheffield and always drives to see me. ❤

We approach the roundabout and the lights go red,
you’ll be moaning about people only using one lane.
But it is the perfect time of day for us to stop,
we admire the iridescent colours of the sky as the sun decides where to end the day,

We’ll be talking about our jobs,

or Mum and Rich, you’ll give me advice

or maybe we’ll be have the radio turned up and

be singing along to I Wanna Know What Love Is

at the tops of our voices,

or perhaps you’ll be whistling the tune &

I’ll sing along to Zip pe doo dah

and it will have been a wonderful day

even if it’s just for this end bit,

dinner will be on the table

and Mum will be watching her soaps

but before all that, before the chores,

we witness a sun setting and conclude

our separate day’s events together,

just us in the Astra with the sun,

at some red lights about to join everyone else

returning from a day of work to homes

full of love and homecooked food.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cold Coffee

The sun has returned from its hiatus and gleams on the front of cars

And it makes me miss you, cos you are summer to me,

you remind me of fresh white linen and sun blazing through the blinds,

fruit juice on those lazy mornings,

my eyes open just to see your cute sleepyness

when I woke up in our world,

my eyes stay open because its better

than anything I could ever dream,

we find the clothes we peeled off each other

head to the kitchen and I grin at the two cold coffees

that we never found the time to drink last night,

too distracted by each other’s bodies,

spurred on by an intrigue in each other’s minds,

now there’s just one steaming coffee on the side

and nobody come to hug from behind

to steer me back to bed.

 

I would never

After all the beautiful words I’d written,

 back when I was smitten, 

you now think I’m capable 

of writing something so hateful. 

Everything you know about my past,

not many find it out that fast.

 I thought you at least understood,

 bring that pain to another, 

I never would. 

I can’t comprehend why you must,

find it so horrendously hard to trust. 

The last person I would 

ever want to hurt is you,

 and I promise 

you now I never could 💙